Public Humiliation As A Diet Tool

WHEN BRAGGING IS NOT BRAGGING

2011-02-04T17:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, hypothetical situation - I take over the care of, oh, let's say four dogs. A friend was going overseas, couldn't take them or find a good home for them, leaves them in my care.

So that's me taking over care, feeding, exercising and any medical needs for four cold, wet, happy noses, right?

Now makes those dogs all St. Bernard dogs.

Right, just a little more space, food - but nothing all that different.

So why oh why does all the change when they actually are SIX HORSES.

Suddenly, you are envied, you must be rich, when can I come ride, you are so lucky.

When actually it is three times as much hay, three times as much water, more than three times the fighting and potential for loss of limb (me, not the horses, silly!).

But one good thing? I'm losing weight just having to chase after them several times a day.

STEP TWO

2010-11-13T23:25:00.000-07:00

I hate the concept of a personal trainer.

I mean, paying someone to remind you of what to do in a gym? Man, I have significant memory loss, and even I can keep track of that.

But in reality, someone that you pay is someone you are more likely to show up for an appointment with - someone that you don't dismiss easily - and someone who keeps you on track.

Luckily, with the renewal of my gym membership, I got three sessions with a personal trainer.

And even more fortunately, that personal trainer is Debbie L., who is an awesome fellow member of my book club.

Okay, so maybe it does help to have a personal trainer - I'm ready to admit Debbie has me pushing a lot deeper than I thought I could go.

Now let's see if I can keep doing it on my own as well.

STEP ONE

2010-11-06T18:22:00.001-07:00

Today: the first significant item in my assault upon the 18.1436 kg I am carrying around and wish to leave behind.

I made only ONE piece of toast instead of my normal two.

The rest should be a breeze.... right?

A CLEAN SLATE

2010-11-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

ONE STEP AT A TIME

2010-03-26T19:04:00.000-07:00

My weight is stubbornly remaining exactly the same.

So I am trying to walk just a little bit further every day.

And although I look somewhat ridiculous, I am trying to ride my bike.

Yeah, I think I do look like that.

THERE ARE THREE KINDS OF LIES

2010-03-10T23:41:00.001-07:00

I blame my lack of posts for the past several weeks on the outrageous and flirtatious behavior of my scale.

It is one of those serious, large-digital ones that simply states what your mass at normal Earth gravity is. No ifs, no buts, nothing to misread or not understand (completely random side bar here - have you seen that commercial for a pregnancy test that states 30% of women MISREAD their results? Are there really a third of our gender who are that STUPID? It says you are pregnant or you aren't - how can you misread it?!?!).

But then my scale tries either to tempt me beyond my ability to resist or simply feels I need some additional encouragement.

Monday, it insisted that I had lost eight pounds.

And it insisted this REPEATEDLY - numbers not changing or blinking or even winking at me.

Eight pounds! WOW! This is GREAT.

It lied.

Or I gained eight pounds back in six hours - because six hours later, it went back to clinical detachment and stated, no, it wasn't true, you were right back where you were last week... and the week before.

And it probably doesn't help that this news sent me reeling straight to my hidden chocolate stash.

PUBLIC OPINION OR LACK THEREOF

2010-03-01T23:35:00.000-07:00

Just one little follow-up blog following my rather extreme hair-cut:

Almost everyone I know politely ignores it, and says nothing.

And almost every teenager I know immediately says, "Cool, Sister Wiltfong! I LOVE your hair!"

HIRSUTISM NO MORE

2010-02-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

How much do you think hair weighs?

Because I got a LOT chopped off this afternoon.

I can only remember one other time I've had it quite this short - right after I woke up from a coma (I guess when your body has nothing else to do, it spends a lot of energy growing hair and fingernails).

Don't get me wrong - I really like it, and it is SUPER easy to spike and just let go.

But looking at the floor of my hair stylist's floor, I would guess a good 8 lbs. was there.

New weight loss tool?

208!!

2010-02-09T00:17:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else remember way back in the 60's, seems like when I was in fifth or sixth grade, when the plan was to officially convert the U.S. measuring system to metric by 1990?

It got voted on, and approved, and got some publicity... and then simply disappeared and never happened.

So we are just about the only nation in the world who does not use metric.

And sometimes, things just sound better in metric.

37 degrees C. sounds a lot better than 100 F. -- driving at 88 kph compared to our standard 55 mph. - somehow a 10K race is more of an accomplishment than 6.2 miles.

And since I have somehow overcome my latest little plateau, I like putting that I have lost a total of 208 oz. so far - or 5.90 kg - 5,89607 grams - and 0.001 tons.

Ugh - shouldn't have put that last one because now I feel HUGE.

But it's loss, and right now we like that!

FAST OR SLOW?

2010-02-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

My dad would have one day every month where he would do nothing but drink juice - to clean out his system, he said.

Our church defines fasting as "to go without food and drink voluntarily for a certain period of time. Fasting combined with sincere prayer can strengthen us spiritually, bring us closer to God, and help us prepare ourselves and others to receive His blessings. "

And on the first Sunday of the month, we fast as a church and donate the money we would have spent on the missed meals to help those in need.

The older I get, the looser my definition of a fast has become. Used to be two meals... then one... then I would give up something specifically (usually chocolate, which to me is a true sacrifice).

I can blame it on getting older - being on more meds - low blood sugar - sheer weakness.... yeah, mainly that last one.

So today I was pretty impressed that I actually kept (most) of a real, honest-to-goodness fast. And this evening I have NOT gone hog-wild making up for the skipped food by goobling down loads of junk.

At least as of 10:27 p.m.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

SEEING A SONG

2010-02-06T22:03:00.000-07:00

Since a couple of us are experiencing a weight-loss plateau, here are some lyrics I found - have no idea what the tune is, but my mind plays a sort of bluesy-cowboy twange:

Let's take a ride to the easy plateau

Where the cold don't come and the wind don't blow

Moonlight flickers on the water below

The orange grove blossoms

In the orange grove

Bad nights lead to better days

It doesn't matter but I think about it anyway

I want a easy plateau

Some place to rest my head

want an easy plateau
Some place to rest my head

For awhile, for awhile, for awhile

For a little while

Sleepyhead, come on let's take a ride
To the easy plateau in the back of your mind

Up through the alley, take the door under the stairs

My head ain't feeling nothing but cats and rocking chairs
Bad nights lead to better days
It never happens but I think about it anyway

I want an easy plateau
Some place to hang my head
I want an easy plateau

Some place to hang my head

For awhile, for awhile, for awhile

For a little while

I like it - at least the way I can hear it.

WHEN ENVELOPED IN SWEETNESS

2010-02-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

As Latter-Day Saints, 90% of our non-Sunday meetings are required by commandment to have refreshments containing more than 18 grams of sugar and less than 1% fiber, protein or Vitamin C.

Okay, okay, so it's not really a commandment - it just seems to be a major requirement within Mormon culture.

For example, last evening we held a lovely introduction to Personal Progress, our young women equivalent to becoming an Eagle Scout, for both the girls and their parents.

But at the end, of course, we served TONS of Rice Krispies Treats.

How could I politely refuse?

AHA! I did have a time-honored, revered and honest excuse this time.

I was holding someone's baby for them... and you know it is impossible to eat anything one-handed.

The baby weighed about 12 lbs.... so it counts as a work-out.

And it was hot in the kitchen/serving area even without holding a snuggling, sleeping baby... so I probably sweated off several pounds.

Triumph over cereal and marshmellows at last!!!

MONDAY MORNING WEIGH IN

2010-02-02T00:28:00.000-07:00

I should be thankful is some way - but I'm not at this moment.

I have not lost anything.

But, to do the half-glass thing that I normally am wonderful at, I have not gained anything.

Serious exercise is in my very near future - I've gotta find some way to shift this into a higher gear other than just walking the dogs.

SHOULDA JUST BURNED A SCENTED CANDLE

2010-01-28T22:48:00.000-07:00

Dieting Rule No. One: Do not make a large pan of double-chocolate brownies when you have no one else to share it with just because it's a cold cloudy day and you'd like to have some good warm smells in your house.

ON THE ROAD TO FIND OUT

2010-01-26T17:38:00.000-07:00

WAYS TO BURN CALORIES:

- Walking

-Talking While Walking

- Picking Up Trash Along The Highway

- Chasing Animals Who Are Determined Not To Come When Called

- Vacuuming

- Moving Furniture To Vacuum Under Furniture

WAYS TO NOT BURN CALORIES:

- Twist Your Ankle While Walking

- Talking While Not Moving

- Discovering A Buried Road Sign That Reads "Proposed Annexation" And Spending The Next Ten Minutes Uncovering And Cleaning It

- Watching Animals On The Distant Horizon Still Running Away

- Sitting On The Floor Unclogging The Vacuum Filter

- Laying On The Floor After Taking 27 Ibuprofen For Your Wrenched Back From Moving The Hide-A-Bed Couch In Order To Vacuum Underneath

GET LOST

2010-01-23T19:55:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know if it is true that President Obama's State of the Union address was rescheduled because it was going to be the same day and time as the season premiere of "Lost"? Or is that just the latest urban myth?

Okay, back to getting lost.

There are a couple of good things about getting lost.
Unfortunately, the simple recognition that you are off the path is sometimes one of the most difficult.

And the second step is wanting to get back on the path.

A lot of people don't realize they are lost, and are perfectly okay with that. Some people are lost, but when shown the way back, are scared to try it again. Some people stray off the path, give up on themselves, and try to get further and further away.

Okay, this wasn't headed towards being notes from Psychology 101.

But I've got a free week.

And I am trying to decide if I want to use this week to get way off the path - that may be the only way to recognize if I might perhaps be on not the best path.

Now - a prize to the first reader who can translate this rambling into 24 words or less.

And the timer begins.... NOW.

EYES SHUT OPEN

2010-01-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

You know how a little kid will shut his eyes real tight and believe then that somehow you can't see him?

I've been ignoring this blog because I am embarrassed that I haven't lost any weight.

I haven't gained any, but I seem to have hit a plateau.
And I'm discouraged - not just about weight, but many minor, insignificant things are hitting me much harder than they should be.

I kinda wish I still had a uterus to blame all this on.

OCULAR EXERTION

2010-01-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

Today was a lot of visual exercise.

I watched our preferred waitress in our Saturday morning breakfast cafe racing around doing her regular exemplary job of handling numerous and demanding customers... and yes, that includes me with Diet Coke refills. (And no, she doesn't look anything like that, but isn't it a fun photo?)

Several women in Target had many many more than the 2.3 average of children hanging on to their shopping cart, hands, and/or siblings winter coats.

And the new and rather naive employee at my feed store loaded the nine bales of hay most recariously in my truck bed; however, he did allow me ample time to read four chapters of the last Harry Potter book.

Whew - I'm exhausted.

Perhaps I am also more aware of simply seeing things happening. What's the song lyric, you don't know what you have until it suddenly is threatened to be gradually removed from your abilities?

Something like that.

IS THIS CHEATING?

2010-01-09T00:19:00.000-07:00

So often my blogs seem to be intertwined - maybe it simply proves how much of life is involved with trying to get in shape.

At least I referring you to my other site - http://www.hopelds.blogspot.com/ - I am proud of discovering an extremely silly solution to three problems.

And if we can't make fun of ourselves, what fun is that?

HOW MANY CALORIES DOES DRIVING USE?

2010-01-08T00:41:00.001-07:00

I've driven across the United States.

Literally.

More than once.

When my parents divorced, my dad moved back to Kalamazoo (isn't that a great name for a city?), Michigan and my mom stayed in Los Angeles.

When we lived in Maryland, we drove back to Oregon to visit my mother-in-law one summer - and my oldest child and I drove back to Idaho when she began college.

We moved from Maryland to Arizona - and I've driven to Seattle from here.

So a mealy little two hour trip to Douglas and back should be easy, right?

But somehow when the trip is preceded by having my problem-child come stay the night before (couch out, another person to feed, watching MTV videos) and then driving with her to the Social Security office in Douglas for a two-hour disability interview, driving BACK, dropping her off, finding out the prescription for my regular sleeping medication has NOT been approved by the doctor's office OR the insurance companies, so I am cetain to get only a couple of hours sleep tonight.....

I feel like I have lost ten pounds.... of brain matter.

NADA, NITCH, NULL, NAID, SIFURI

2010-01-05T12:54:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the development of using zero has been attributed to the Chinese, Indians (Eastern) and Mayan's (Indians Western)? And it wasn't used in Europe until the 3rd century?

And zero is better than a positive number - at least in my weight control experiment.

So lost no weight, but also didn't gain any.

I am going to have to amp up my exercise. The dogs and I took a faster walk this morning and I'm doing some home projects which involve moving large objects.

Anyone know an algebraic formula where I can turn zero into a negative number just to encourage myself?

CAN YOU REMEMBER WHAT I AM TRYING TO FORGET?

2010-01-04T23:18:00.000-07:00

I only have one day a week I need to remember to weigh myself.

It's Monday,

Today.

Perhaps it was an unconscious oversight since I have not been doing the greatest on my diet (see previously 492 blog posts).

I will try to remember tomorrow, and I will be strong, brave, and acknowledge it here.

So will someone remind me?

DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT PART TWO

2010-01-02T22:46:00.000-07:00

I am being honest here - simply go to http://hopelds.blogspot.com/2010/01/sabotage.html

DROWNING WITH DARCY

2010-01-01T00:07:00.000-07:00

I've discovered a new entertainment.

At completely random times during the day, I get on the scale.

So far, I have not found it all discouraging, but mainly because if the display shouts that I have somehow gained 15 lb. in the last 45 minutes, I can cheerfully dismiss it with "Oh, that must be the bottle of water I drank" and completely ignore the entire containor of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Brownie Fudge that I just devoured while watching "Lost in Austen" and replaying the scene of Elliot Cowan emerging from the water again and again and again,...

Wait a minute, I think I must be losing weight by simply panting over a fictional character in a British drama.

Hmmm....

Okay by me.

AND THE NUMBERS ARE....

2009-12-28T20:36:00.000-07:00

... exactly the same as last weight, but it means I got through Christmas week without GAINING any weight.

Must be all of that pumpkin pie.

A SIMPLE ADDITION

2009-12-27T23:40:00.001-07:00

I get frustrated when my daily exercise ends up being walking the dogs once to the end of the road and back (granted, I do live in the country, and the end of the road is about a quarter of a mile) or working up a sweat by stretching a quilt onto a frame (I had no idea when I bought 7' sides that this particular quilt is almost 8' across, and it became a major struggle... with the quilt winning).

But I do spend probably 45 minutes a day simply waiting on our front porch for one or both dogs to complete their 'business' outside. Both of them have high standards of hygiene, and insist on going as far as they can from the house - and I normally am trying to be patient (especially for the greyhound, who cannot be left outside on her own - combination of no body fat and a habit to head west for the coast when not under close observation).

Yesterday, I realized I can use this time more constructively (literally) by doing calisthenics the entire time I am waiting.

Plus, if I have NOT lost any weight tomorrow when I weigh in (as fully anticipated, following Christmas), I can then blame it on MUSCLE weight gained.

AHA! Aren't I brilliant?!?

EXCUSES, EXCUSES, EXCUSES

2009-12-24T23:34:00.000-07:00

Let's see how we can explain away food on Christmas Eve:

Chinese take out - rice is good for you, chicken is good for you, and sweet and sour is... well, vinegar has phytochemicals that seem to hold real promise in lowering risk of many types of cancer.

Pumpkin pie - easy! It's really a vegetable!

Cool Whip - dairy, right?

Second helping of Cool Whip - well, Cool Whip is mostly water and air, so....

Third helping of Cool Whip - okay, hey, it's Christmas Eve, right?!

KEEP SHOVELING, THERE MUST BE A PONY HERE

2009-12-23T22:51:00.001-07:00

I freely acknowledge that exercise needs to be part of any weight-loss program, but I am having a major problem right now finding something that I like to do.

Because if you don't like doing the exercise, you will sit on the couch and eat ice cream instead. I promise.

I really enjoyed running.... until my knees and ankles gave out. The health club routine helped... at least while I was working and in town fairly frequently and didn't have a 25 minute drive to the closest gym.

So now I have been alternating half-heartedly between yoga and sitting on the couch.

Until today.

And I may have found the answer.

This morning when I got up to feed Najale and Sally, it was snowing. Big beautiful flakes floating down.

But both horses were wet - filthy - and cold.

We have built a shed for them - but it is thin metal, with three feet open at the bottom of air flow.

So today? I shoveled - a lot - to fill in some of the gaps and make it a warmer and steadier shelter.

I am aching all over, but I'll bet I burned some calories.

SLOW BUT STEADY

2009-12-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

I frankly did not think I would lose anything this past week (other than my mind and any hint of emotional stability) - but I lost one additional lb. (and why in heck do we use "lb." as an abbreviation? Look it up here, but it is sort of like metric - we should have switched to a logical format centuries ago).

So minus 9.5 so far.

Is that close enough to ten pounds that I can say I have lost ten pounds?

(And, just a hint here, the correct answer is SURE!)

HAPPY/MERRY/GOOD FAT/ALCHOL/SWEETS

2009-12-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

Why do we have holidays stuffed with food or booze... or BOTH.

New Years - booze.

Valentine's Day - candy

Mother's Day - chocolates

Fourth of July - BBQ and hot dogs

Halloween - candy

Thanksgiving - massive feast

Christmas - ditto AND candy

Can we being to have HEALTHY holidays - ones that do NOT involve massive amounts of calories and fat, but perhaps fun activites, water and FRUIT!!?

Who's with me? I mean, after January 1st (we still have to eat Christmas dinner, don't we?)

BAH HUMBUG

2009-12-17T23:18:00.001-07:00

This evening I attended a perfectly lovely Christmas party, with dinner and desserts.

I participated in much small talk, make several charming anecdotes, and graciously excused myself after approximately 90 minutes.

And I ate ONE bowl of warming soup, ONE small serving of peach cobbler with an EXTREMELY SMALL topping of a unique whipped substance of which I could have inhaled several gallons of.

Grinch, move over a bit - I'm getting pretty good here.

TRASH AS A GOOD THING

2009-12-16T22:09:00.000-07:00

I am continually amazed by people who litter.

I try to not be judgmental about it - maybe it accidentally flew out their window as they were experiencing cardiac arrest, so they were completely unable to stop the hamburger wrapper, large soda cup, french fries holder and 2 cans of Budweiser from being strewn along the road.

But really, how many people or peoples can be having a major health issue on the same road for weeks at a time?

So today I tried to extend my walk to include a large garbage bag and a half-mile more to pick up all the crap that peeks out of the tumbleweeds along the adjoining roads to my house.

Unfortunately, empty aluminum cans, wrappers, and odd bits of plastic don't wear much, so I can't even claim the extra walk as weight-lifting (yeah, like I'm ever gonna look like this guy!)

Only lifting that excess of my weight as I walk.

But hey, it was something, right?

And this nice lady with the elephant wrote a very similar blog article about littering, and I'm including the photo because I think she looks a lot like ME!

WHAT A PRETTY FACE CAN DO

2009-12-16T00:42:00.000-07:00

An old habit reared its ugly head again tonight.

I have been doing so well on eating slowly, and only eating small potions, that I naively sat down tonight to watch the pre-recorded NCIS episode.

With a half-full carton of Dryer's Chocolate Cookie Dough ice cream.

And, needless to say, I did NOT stop with only a cautious and reasonable amount.

I blame it all on Mark Harmon.

LABOR OR LATCHING?

2009-12-14T23:45:00.001-07:00

THREE LBS.!

TOTAL OF 8.5!!

Hurrah ME!!!!

(But should I feel like I just gave birth, or like a slimy fish?!)

SHOULDN'T IT COUNT JUST AS A DAIRY PRODUCT?

2009-12-14T00:38:00.000-07:00

Why is ice cream both so wonderful and so evil?

I had promised my family that Saturday evening, I would pick up Cold Stone Creamery.

I even got everyone to chip in five bucks apiece.

But after sitting on a metal folding chair for over three hours, the idea of driving an additional twenty minutes simply to get superb, ideal and rich ice cream mixed exactly as you would like it was overwhelming.

I elected instead to simply stop at the 24/7 convenience store right on the way home.

Thinking in some convoluted way that purchasing ice cream I really didn't like would magically reduce its power over me, I got two things of Dryer's.

It didn't work.

So although I could excuse one very small bowl last night, I have no rational excuse for having another one tonight.

And I weigh IN tomorrow morning!

FAT HEAVEN OR SKINNY HELL?

2009-12-11T20:42:00.001-07:00

Although not raised, culturally, as a Latter-Day Saint, my body been decidedly Mormon and Orthodox Jewish since birth.

I never liked coffee (although I certainly tried), I can't hold my drink (or my head or any other part of my body when I drink alcohol), and my entire gastric system riots when I eat any pork.

But there several gray areas with LDS dietary rule.

Ultra-conservative Mormons feel that any drink with caffeine is somehow as evil as coffee. They also believe in voting Republican, watching Glenn Beck and Fox News, and never teaching a lesson with a tablecloth, flower arrangement and a hand-out.

Moderate Mormons think that you will not be sent directly to outer darkness if you are not a dead-dog Republican, you can drink Diet Coke as long as it's not in public, and you can watch Comedy Central on T.V.

Liberal Mormons see no problem with Mt. Dew, supporting human and civil rights, and supporting President Obama.

So here is my personal quandary.

I normally drink two Diet Cokes a day - discreetly, in private, in the dark of my closets (my bishop may be reading this blog).

Today I drank FOUR - and I know it was the reason I got by with less food.

So, the question is - should I be good and end up in heaven as a chubby cherub, or be a skinny woman who ends up in the Mormon equivalent of hell (which actually is the Democrat National Convention in an election year)?

EFFECT OF SEMI-FLUID ON THE HIPPOCAMPAL DOPAMINE RELEASE

2009-12-10T05:03:00.001-07:00

I've been doing so well with the "not-eating-after-7-p.m." that I figured it was time to add something new (keep confusing that metabolism, girlfriend).

Have one liquid meal a day.

I have heard all the arguments against these type of diets - yes, you lose weight, but as soon as you begin eating again, it all comes back on.

And I have personally experienced not being to chew ANYthing for two months - it ain't fun, but I also lost around 30 lbs.... with the problem being there I had to gain 25 lbs. before they would do the surgery on my jaw.

But hey, just once a day, let's try soup for a meal - and then I can have my creamy tomato soup and not feel guilty.

So tonight - it's cold and blustery, so I have a bottle of water and one very hot personal-size soup. And then rushed off to my regular Wednesday church meeting....

With the sensation of an turbulent ocean being hit by a hurricane in my stomach.

I didn't realize 16 oz. of fluid could do that to you - but at least I haven't been tempted to eat anything else this evening - ugh, it's making me slightly nauseous just to have that thought.

And P.S. - that effect of semi-fluid diet breeding on the hippocampal dopamine release is actually a honest research paper... and yes, it makes no sense to me either.

AND THE TOTAL IS....

2009-12-07T21:42:00.000-07:00

This past week I lost 2.5 lbs., so the total is 5.5

I'm happy with that.

Of course, I would be much happier with 45 lbs. gone, but if it was easy, we'd all be skinny, right?

HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?

2009-12-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

I am trying to cope with a new wrinkle in my dieting system.

I have, for literally years, acted on the oft-quoted perhaps-urban-myth that many times our bodies are screaming "WATER" when we are hearing "FOOD"!

So I try drinking something before I actually eat something.

And I finally learned that milk shakes, slushies, and fruit-blend-special-drinks do not qualify as "water."

(But they sure do taste better.)

But now that an unusually cold winter has dawned on my south-east corner of a south-west state in the northern hemisphere (okay, Hope, you can stop now), I am learning a chilly fact (did you not get the message a few words back, girlfriend?).

Cold water just doesn't work.

And unfortunately, hot chocolate (200 calories if made with 2% milk) with four large marshmallows (an additional 200 calories), does.

Creamy tomato soup is slightly better; it's only 160.

But it's still not water, which has no calories at all.

Hot Tang is something I have not had in years; maybe that would work.

More tomorrow.

Unless, of course, it gets warmer here.

HEYLOOKAME!

2009-12-04T00:25:00.000-07:00

This evening, I drank only water at my book club meeting, and did not take anything else from the beautifully laid out table of refreshments offered by the gracious hostess.

I drove home from town and did NOT stop at Dairy Queen for my regular medium twist ice cream cone.

And when I arrived home, I shared a carrot with Najale and Sally (well, actually, I ate one carrot as they chomped down about ten... and in about the same amount of time).

I just needed to brag to someone.

I WONDER WHY I STAY WHEN EVERYONE IS GONE

2009-12-02T20:01:00.000-07:00

I think I have conquered one of my worse eating habits.

Snacking late at night.

I was raised in environment where The Tonight Show (the old one, with Johnny Carson, on at 11:00 p.m.) was early entertainment. The only concept of a curfew I ever remembered was being expected to call home if you were out after midnight.

Not to come home, but just call to say where you were.

It was not uncommon to have our dinner at 9 p.m.

And it went without saying that popcorn, crackers, tuna fish sandwiches, peanut butter straight-from-the-jar, ice cream sandwiches and large bottles of Dr. Pepper were consumed until the wee hours of the morning.

So I have been accustomed to going to bed with a hefty dose of carbohydrates - microwave popcorn, dry cereal or peanut butter on toast.

But for the past week two weeks, I have eaten NOTHING after 7 p.m.

Great.

But I'm also not sleeping.

So does insomnia burn up calories? And if so, how much?

THREE LITTLE PIGS

2009-11-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

"Everybody knows the story of the Three Little Pigs. , but nobody knows the real story, because nobody has ever heard my side of the story. I'm Alexander T. Wolf. You can call me Al.

I don't know how this whole Big Bad Wolf thing got started, but it's all wrong. Maybe it's because of our diet. Hey, it's not my fault wolves eat cute little animals like bunnies and sheep and pigs. That's just the way we are. If cheeseburgers were cute, folks would probably think you were Big and Bad too.

But like I was saying, the whole big bad wolf thing is all wrong.

---------------

Look up this link for the rest of the story.

My own story? Lost three pounds. A nice, reasonable beginning which I am very pleased with.

THE IMPORTANCE OF TIMING

2009-11-29T23:05:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow begins the true public humiliation - I am going to post my weight loss/gain weekly.

But WHEN do you weigh yourself?!

First thing in the morning? Late at night? After lunch? Before dinner?

Wait! I got it!

Right after you purchase and are holding onto four dozen helium balloons!

Yes?

THERE IS ONE BORN EVERY MINUTE

2009-11-27T20:46:00.037-07:00

It's difficult to come up with an honest original idea.

Since I have agreed to publicly post my mass - er, tonnage - well, substantiality - my WEIGHT , I have been googling for diet ideas (something around here is gonna have to change before my ponderousness (hey, I like that word!).

I thought the idea of brushing my teeth each and every time I ate anything would help.

But RATS - Diet Aid Toothpaste is already available in the U.K. for only $12 a tube.

Then I found (honest-to-God) this website, which has (drum-roll here) A DIET FORK. I just loved the explanation: "The fork has shorter and duller which makes it harder to grasp food."

So I think I do have one concept that hasn't (yet) been properly exploited, and has the potential to make MILLIONS.

Grease your hands.

Constantly.

Sort of the same principle as wrestling a greased pigs - it will be difficult if not impossible to hold any eating utensil - even finger-food would be a problem.

And if you use disgusting enough, filthy grease, you won't even be tempted.

How much do you think I should ask for my 'starter' kit of WD40, Penzoil, and sharp metal filings?

TODAY IS THE TOMORROW WE LOOKED FORWARD TO YESTERDAY

2009-11-27T16:22:00.013-07:00

I am taking a leaf from two dear friends' blogs, and making (another) bold step forward - 4,945th time is the charm, right?

So I am going to begin logging my weight here weekly.

Mondays are blue days, right? So let us begin.

EEECCCHHHH!!!

DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT

2009-11-25T21:00:00.003-07:00

I hate to repeat myself - so go see this.

BACK TO BASICS

2009-11-21T11:43:00.001-07:00

An excellent review of the basics I seem to keep forgetting - check it out at this site.

CHINESE, ITALIAN AND GREEK IN ONE DAY

2009-11-20T21:46:00.006-07:00

My stomach is not accustomed to international travel such as this.

My mother-in-law does not drive. There is no regular bus available in her home town. Therefore, she eats at the two restaurants that are within reasonable walking distance.

Today, we visited a high-school buddy of my husband, and walked to a restaurant just a block from his office.

Pizza was delivered this evening (to a seven-year old boy's delight).

So why hasn't any of this international travel helped my bloated waistline?

SHOVE A FRENCH FRY IN MY MOUTH

2009-11-18T19:51:00.019-07:00

If I need to read another menu, I may throw up.

"Eating out" has always meant one thing, and one thing only to me.

Fast food.

I mean, the drive-thru at McDonald's is not at my house, right? Taco Bell is what you bring HOME from someplace else. And Pizza Hut delivers.

But a restaurant where you sit on a chair, a waiter or waitress takes your order, a cook cooks it, it is served on a ceramic plate... well, that's not eating out. That is going to a restaurant.

And a restaurant puts together things that the restaurant feels goes together well - and it cooks the items in a manner that the restaurant obviously believes people are willing to pay for.

The last two days, everything I have eaten, someone else has prepared and I have consumed it while perched on some wooden piece of furniture.

And I am dying for some greasy, fatty, unhealthy food that is sold to you while you are sitting in your car along with a 64 oz. plastic, non-recycle able huge cup of caffeine-saturated soda.

BEGINNING THE WEEK "IN STYLE"

2009-11-15T22:27:00.026-07:00

Sometimes the cure is worse than the sickness, right?

I love the concept of a 'clean' slate, but it just doesn't always work well for me.

I'm currently in the middle of re-doing my personal living space (read 'bedroom') - and entirely because I then would have to file/organize/arrange the piles of loose papers that have been hiding... well, perhaps hiding is too subtle a word for the stacks - nay, HEAPED in various mounds in every corner of the room.

Guess what?

IT DIDN'T WORK.

My bedroom is now strung with papers, half-filled boxes, unfolded laundry (don't ask) and cleaning supplies (if you're clearing, you might as well scrub up, right?) - and not much of any of those papers are in any sort of order.

Unfortunately, I am also trying to make something ELSE 'work' for me (I am not a quick learner, okay).

I have a lab order for a fasting blood test - I have to go without eating - so let's start off a week with a fast, right?

Yeah - let's see if this works.

Money on me eating before 9 a.m.

VISUAL IMPAIRMENT

2009-11-13T23:32:00.012-07:00

Refrigerators can be used for a wide variety of purposes.

1. Magnets

2. Wild decorating ideas

3. Posting incentive photos that might keep you from eating what is IN the refrigerator

4. Posting scary photos that might keep you from eating what is IN the refrigerator

None of the above are helping - any suggestions?

LOSE CALORIES IN YOUR SLEEP!

2009-11-07T21:08:00.020-07:00

NEW! AVAILABLE NOW! ONLY AT PUBLICHUMILITATIONASADIETTOOL.COM!

The latest development in WEIGHT LOSS! We will GUARANTEE that you will LOSE WEIGHT while you are ASLEEP although you will be haunted by delusional nightmares that will cause you to sweat, shake and in other disruptive methods completely destroying any REM cycles you might ever have again in your life.

YES! This amazing new invention, discovered by a Tibetan monk (actually the advertiser's older brother who still deals in drugs from Tibet) and manufactured by an Amish community in Pennsylvania (who are actually Mennonites who have no trouble using technology to mass-produce these for aprx $.30 a piece) and shipped to you directly.

This product enables you to BURN CALORIES while you are sleeping peacefully in your bed at night and look horribly exhausted with dark circles under your eyes for the rest of your life, but you will be skinny.

Order RIGHT NOW for the special introductory price of only $19.00 a month for the rest of your life so you will be broke but again you will be skinny

FRIENEMY

2009-11-01T21:39:00.006-07:00

My daughter introduced this new word to me this evening, and it fits something perfectly.

Food.

Something that keeps you alive.

Something that can kill you.

Sort of ironic, isn't it?

But at least I'm gonna die happy, right?

THE ZEN OF DIETING

2009-10-28T22:18:00.019-07:00

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right
doing there is a field.
I'll met you there.
- Jalai-as-din Rumu

We would rather be ruined than changed.
We would rather die in our dread.
Then climb the cross of the moment.
And let our illusions die.
- W.H. Auden

See as if for the first time a beautiful person or an ordinary object.

We accept the graceful falling
Of mountain cherry blossoms,
But it is much harder for us
To fall away from our own
Attachment to the world.
-Rengetsu

More important than learning to recall things
is finding ways to forget things that are cluttering your mind.

And so I urge you: go after experience rather than knowledge. On account of pride, knowledge may often deceive you , but this gentle, loving affection will not deceive you. Knowledge tends to breed conceit, but love builds. Knowledge is full of labor, but love, full of rest.

JUST SAY NO

2009-10-18T22:34:00.023-07:00

Emily Post, the founding mother of American etiquette, has been quoted as having said "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use."

So I am trying very hard to learn how to say no without hurting any one's feelings.

Like when my son brings me home a Frosty from Wendy's.

When my daughter offers to buy me lunch (well, okay, that happens about twice a year, and I normally refuse because it just comes out of the money I've given her for the week).

If someone brings warm, homemade cookies to a church function.

And when I walk past my own private stash of chocolate chips - I mean, they can give me such a pleading, longing look.

I try to remain strong and yet be culturally correct and sensitive to sensitive emotions... but mainly just my own.

YOGA AGOY

2009-10-16T21:03:00.022-07:00

I finally have a yoga DVD that I'm very happy with. It's a nice pace, it's on a beautiful beach, and the guy has a pony-tail (I simply LOVE long hair on men).

Now why in the world am I NOT plugging it in every morning when it is on my regular Day-Timer Organizer 2-Page-Per-Day Daily To-Do List?

If I can get changed into something resembling my yoga work-out clothes (which can be as nice as actual yoga pants and a swanky thin t-shirt but normally is my pajamas before I take a morning shower), it usually happens.

And when the yoga mat gets unrolled in reality, not just in my dreams, okay, I'll get through at least five minutes of the warm-up.

But most of the time... I somehow walk right past the mat, which had been laid out strategically right in front of the DVD player, with that nice image of _____ facing up towards me, ignore the yoga outfit which I have laid invitingly out over the dresser....

And head straight for the computer instead.

Ideas, anyone?

(I mean, besides the obvious one of staying off my computer!!)

LET'S FIND SOMEONE TO BLAME

2009-10-13T22:58:00.019-07:00

I blame restrictions on advertising for my current slump in weight loss.

Now, it's a wonderful idea to have limits on advertising. It's irritating to have huge signs for fast food restaurants, supermarkets and malls blocking the view of our beautiful mountains. It's a negative distraction from driving, which continues to get crazier and faster all the time, so the concept of smaller, less obtrusive symbols is great.

Except when you aren't from where you are.

Yesterday I was in a city which I don't know well (read that "Tucson"), following a medical appointment where my eyes were chemically dilated (read that "blurred vision"), trying to find Costco on the east side (read that "almost hopelessly lost") while also searching for a fast food restaurant (read that "crazed with hunger") and in need of a nap (read that "someone gimme a Diet Coke quick").

And I was cursing under my breath the fact that Tucson is now submitting to those insane regulations the liberal environmental nuts have forced on the general law-abiding solid citizens who need to know exactly where to turn in order to stuff their already-obese faces with more cholesterol-laden and saturated-fat-clinging junk food. I finally found the Costco.

But, because of the lack of signs, I was FORCED to eat a Wendy's LARGE chocolate Frosty, simply because I could not find ANY PLACE ELSE.

See? I'm not responsible.

NEGATIVE VS POSITIVE ENERGY

2009-10-10T22:51:00.003-07:00

Being what we call an "active" Latter-Day Saints involves some unique situations.

We don't have a paid clergy, so we as members preach the sermons, teach the classes, and try to minister to one another. We keep tabs on the teenagers - we herd the children - we try to help each other out.

And sometimes we get a call late Saturday night, asking us to teach a class early Sunday morning.

Doesn't that count for at least ONE extra serving of chicken salad tonight?

MOVING DOWN THE HIGHWAY

2009-10-06T21:54:00.009-07:00

In classical mechanics, momentum (pl, momenta; SI unti kg-m/s, or, equivalently, N-s) is the product of the mass and velocity of an object (p=mv).

Wow. Doesn't that sound intelligent?

It means once you get moving, it's easier to keep moving.

I'm starting to move. And that helps.

Yogurt - stuffed green pepper - two cookies - and three walks.

DARK AND COLD AND DREARY

2009-10-03T17:59:00.016-07:00

I know one reason so many American adults are overweight. The weather..

When it's sunny and bright and warm, it's easy to get outside and play.

When it's cold and dark and dismal, it's easier to curl up on the couch, eat ice cream and bake brownies.

Which is why I weighed 135 lbs. in Hawaii. And here I have JUST gotten under 200 for the first time in a year.

But wait a minute, I live where it is normally sunny and bright and warm.

Damn, yesterday I actually had a good excuse.

DIRTY JOBS

2009-10-02T22:04:00.013-07:00

I am trying to come up with unusual ways to curb my appetite.

An old adage is don't keep food you like to eat. With me, that doesn't work - my standards just keep lowering.

So tonight - let's watch "Dirty Jobs" on the Discovery channel and see if that can turn my stomach off.

Hmm... Mike Rowe is still hot enough that I can watch the garbage and still have a bit of an appetite.

THE FRENCH REVOLUTION DIET TIP OF THE DAY

2009-09-30T18:59:00.013-07:00

A Tale of Two Cities, by Charles Dickens - and I quote from page 184 of the Barnes and Noble Classics edition:

"All the women knitted. They knitted worthless things, but, the mechanical work was a mechanical substitute for eating and drinking; the hands moved for the jaws and the digestive apparatus ; if the bony fingers had been still, the stomachs would have been more famine-pinched."

Welcome to Weight Watchers Plus Knitters Anonymous.

ON THE PLANE AGAIN

2009-09-23T01:28:00.024-07:00

My last official day of vacation.

Tomorrow I have that ridiculous flight home - six hours of a very, very dark plane, drawn window shades, showing a movie you would never have paid money to see play on 57 different 3 x 5.5 inch mini-screens, all of which you don't want to watch, and definitely do NOT want to hear the 39 people who are watching it laugh at the same moment at something that you can't understand unless you are listening on the headsets (only $10 each, no cash, only credit and debit cards accepted - honestly, cash is not welcome)...

All the while you are trying to read your book-club selection of the month by a 25 watt light-bulb six feet above your head but operated by a switch right next to the emergency call button you are not supposed to push until you are giving birth or experiencing heart attack symptom (and in both of those cases, they will calmly advise you to wait until the plane lands and taxis to the terminal before you call 911 on your cell phone).

This is all to keep you from focusing on the fact that you are flying over 2, 251 miles of very lonely, very open and very DEEP Pacific ocean with nothing for miles and miles and miles in any direction (a coincidence that they never show "Lost" episodes on planes? I think not).

But at least they don't feed you on airplanes anymore. Or at least don't feed you anything you could possible want to eat. You can enough caffeinated sodas to keep you awake and running to the broom closet-size toilet every hour on the hour, and I carry a carry-on bag large enough to sneak a small bakery or candy store on board.

But even chocolate will only do so much.

Today - yogurt, Subway sandwich, home-made cannoli (two, actually), popcorn.

And I rode a bicycle tonight - proving that it is true you don't forget things like that. Although I did forget to wear shoes - and the bottom of my feet are more than a little tender tonight.

Tomorrow - all diet bets are temporarily off. I will eat like a junk-food addict, I will drink more Diet Coke that the state of Louisiana produces in a month, and when I finally get into Phoenix right around midnight, I will go to the closest greasy-spoon truck stop and eat nothing but pie.

COUGH SNEEZE WIPE DRINK COUGH SNEZE WIPE DRINK

2009-09-22T08:17:00.010-07:00

Starve a cold and feed a fever.

Or is it feed a cold and starve a fever?

And how can you tell if you actually have a fever when your air conditioning breaks and it's 91 inside the house?

Could it force your cold into bulimia since you cannot keep any food down with the constant coughing, and your fever into anorexia since you don't feel like eating?

My personal view: just eat what you can eat, and drink a lot of fluids.

Yesterday this was Vanilla Wafers, Diet Coke, and Crystal Lite. But as my daughter keeps reminding me, I'm still on vacation, so none of the late-night ice cream binges count.

You agree, right?

IS THERE SUCH AS THING AS SWINE COLD?

2009-09-20T00:49:00.011-07:00

Illness is a good thing.

Our bodies have incredible methods of self-defense, and if allowed, can defeat life-threatening aliments by using their own resources.

I kept telling this to both my grandchildren as I was wiping their running noses, pouring juice down their throats, and being spat and coughed on repeatedly.

And having a cold does keep one of my big-bad-meanies at bay.

Nothing tastes good.

However, I still ate a McDonald's Quarter-Pounder (with artificial cheese substitution), Taco Bell soft tacos, and four sugar cookies.

(If you are only going to have a little food while you are fighting an illness, make it as bad for you as humanly possible.

SUGAR ON TOP OF SUGAR ON TOP OF SUGAR

2009-09-19T00:56:00.014-07:00

I'm not a sweet freak. I mean, sugar is nice, but CHOCOLATE is the main reason for life on this planet.

My daughter baked enough sugar cookies this afternoon to feed a small African nation in preparation for a Christmas-decorating class that she does not want to even attend let alone teach at a church function tomorrow.

More negative emotions have been sown in these cookies than all the opponents in the Republican party of Obama's health-care proposal.

Rather than have the kitchen implode with sucrose and stubbornness, I suggested that we refrigerate one sample of the frosting overnight (so perhaps the rest could be prepared early tomorrow rather than at the demonstration).

I had momentarily forgotten that I gave birth to the second most competitive person in Northern America, who insisted that the refrigeration would not change anything, and advance preparation would be impossible.

Game on, girlfriend.

The winner will be announced tomorrow.... if I live that long after posting this entry.

MILES AND MILES BEFORE I SLEEP

2009-09-17T10:16:00.032-07:00

Don't you just love those little pedometers you can hook on your belt that PROVE after a hard day of getting up off the couch and walking all the way to the pantry to get another soda and bag of chips and then walking all the way back to the couch that this was the equivalent of running .00087 of a marathon?

So I have been tallying up my actions over here which obviously, since they are all way outside my comfort zone, must add up.

1. SLEEPER IN A STRANGE BED
My grandson graciously offered to let me sleep in his bed (the temptation of sleeping on a huge air mattress that doubles as a trampoline probably aided in that decision), so I am surrounded by Star Wars sheets, Star Wars pillows, and Star Wars posters.

This constant aggressive behavior of fictional characters in a purely imaginary galaxy, and well as the baleful face of Darth Vader looming in the back of every illustration, must be sucking out the calories in my body at, what, shall we say 1,235 every hour? And since I sleep eight hours at night, and normally about two every afternoon at nap time, with an occasion twenty minutes thrown in here and there....

2. HIGH ABOVE THE CHIMNEY TOPS
There is a reason old people live with ranch-style houses, and install elevators and little chairs that grind and moan themselves slowly up the stairs - it's called knees. Or lack thereof. We get too little lubrication in our joints (and some other locations, but let's not get into that right here) and bones too thin and the ever increasing CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH sound of bone grating on bone and whittling them both away to nothingness.

There are stairs here. Which are necessary to tackle and overcome anytime I want or need clothes, privacy and/or sleep.

So if the Great Bisbee Stair Climb (an annual event about 26 miles from my home) is the equivalent of a 5k ("but feels like a 10k!"), going up and down these stairs for a) toys forgotten, b) clean laundry to go up c) dirty laundry to come down, c) climbing up for numerous naps during the day.... well, let's put it at 20k, okay?

3. MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE
My son-in-law is on a business trip for a week, so I have both cars at my disposal - the enormous Ford Explorer, where the back seat covers approximately one full-size football stadium and has an average MPG of .007, or the Toyota Pruis, which is a very, very quiet skateboard with a shoebox cunningly disguised as the automobile body.

But to run either of these cars, even the keyless hybrid, you must carry this MASS of keys. Keys for both cars, for the house, for work, for the church, for nostalgia of some other place and time and some obviously for some other country and/or century. They leave my Capri's hanging down around my ankles from the sheer weight and my back muscles seriously strained from their sheer weight.

So that is, well, probably carrying 25 lbs. on that 20k....

Wow.

I'm amazed I haven't been hospitalized as anorexic yet.

LIVING ON THE EDGE

2009-09-16T02:20:00.008-07:00

How bad can your diet possibly become?

Let's see....

A McFlurry
Tacos

Subway (which isn't terrible, but...)

And grapes with a spider's web inside along with the dead spider.

Yeah. Not good.

PUSHING THE EDGE

2009-09-14T00:57:00.021-07:00

There are some things which actually are possible in life:

1. You can go without Diet Coke.

2. Life does not stop without chocolate.

3. And you can not be embarrassed by wearing outrageous red lipstick if you do not have any mirrors around and nobody tells you until you get home.

Yes, it is possible.

But I'd really rather not.

Yogurt + Fiber One

Spaghetti (which, eaten in the presence of missionaries, counts only as negative calories since you get a spiritual message at the end of it)

Salad (which counts as only a vegetable if you don't like the salad dressing on it very much)

TWO pieces of chocolate pie, but the second piece only because it was saved just for you

So that adds up to, what, 3 calories?

Now, this coming week - more exercise by more closely following my three year old granddaughter, who never seems to stop.

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

2009-09-10T20:46:00.005-07:00

I guess we all have a personal image inside of us that doesn't necessarily conform to reality.

However, the shock of myself unclothed in a dressing mirror in Target was more than slightly alarming. And to compound the message, I had to ask for assistance to take OFF a shirt I was trying on - once I had it on, the short-sleeve sleeves (can you think of another way to say that?) were too tight to pull down off my arms without an arm free, and a Target employee had to help me.

So this evening I walked - twice - at a comfortable pace. Normally the difficulty I have is carrying on a conversation while doing anything energetically (I have lungs the size of sardines), but being at literally sea-level as opposed to home's 5,000 ft. altitude seemed to make all the difference.

Yogurt x 2

(Home-made) Enchiladas

A Hagen Daus ice cream (dessert c/o my grandson - who could possible turn that down?)
A extra large Coke by accident (I ordered a Diet, but....)

And I think that's it... at least I hope that is it.

BABY BABY

2009-09-09T01:58:00.007-07:00

My oldest daughter is over six foot tall, blue-eyed, thick long brown hair, and is one of the most striking attractive women I know.

Tonight, she gave me four beautiful pairs of The Gap/Eddie Bauer quality slacks from her personal stash that have a beautiful 34-36 inseam, classic colors and impeccable style.

I probably should not mention that they are the ones she wore during her last pregnancy.

Today:

Yogurt & Fiber One

A Big Mac and Fries

2 huge waffles, bacon AND scrambled eggs

(And we wonder why I am fitting so well into maternity clothing.)

ANOTHER SATURDAY NIGHT

2009-09-05T23:37:00.003-07:00

PLUS POINTS: Spending four to five hours on the windward beach of Oahu
Chasing your granddaughter in and out of the waves
Watching your grandson boogie-boarding further out than you could ever have imagined he would go
Sitting scrunched between a three year old and a six year old in the back seat of a mini-van

MINUS POINTS: 17 Diet Cokes
14 carrot-bread-type muffins with some incredible frosting on top
Four and a half pieces of Papa John pizza
One very large bowl of chocolate mint ice cream eaten in front of the television
(FYI here - food eaten while watching television adds 45% more calories while food eaten while reading a book takes away 35% of the calories and food eaten outside is calorie-free)

TOTAL POINTS: 0

SITTIN' ON THE DOCK OF THE BAY

2009-09-04T14:33:00.006-07:00

Things that allow you to burn more calories while away from home:

- Having a three-year old granddaughter who simply does NOT stop moving for 14 hours of the day.

- A six-year grandson who always wants to show you something that is someplace other than where you are at the moment.

- Breathing in clean clear air straight off the ocean.

- Eating dinner only after smelling it for the previous two hours.

- And last (but by no means the least) being too embarrassed to hunt through your daughter's cabinets to see if there is 'anything else' to nibble on.

So far today:

Yogurt

Fiber One

A banana

Some chocolate

Sitting on the front porch reading "The Glass Castle"

TOTAL: Contentment.

PLUS AND MINUS

2009-08-30T21:59:00.008-07:00

A Diet Coke is -4 points.
A regular Coke is -3 points.
A Diet Dr. Pepper is -8 points.
A Caffeine-Free Diet Dr. Pepper is -22 points.

Chocolate is +1 point.
Ice cream is +18 points.
Yogurt is - 18 points
(so if you eat them within three hours of each other, they cancel themselves out)

Milk is -8 points (calcium and all that).
Bottled Water is -18 points.
Tap Water is -12 points.

Sugar-Free Bubble Gum is -15 points.
Regular Bubble Gum is -5 points.
Sugar-Free Trident Spearmint is o points.

Cleaning the kitchen is -10 points.
Cleaning the bathroom is -40 points.
Cleaning the cat box is -12 points.

Falling asleep on the couch is +12 points.
Falling asleep in your bed with the lights out is -7 points.
Falling asleep in church is +132 points plus the chance of being struck by a lightening bolt.

So today:
- 4
-8
-18
+1
-12
-12
+132
______
+139

HOW CAN I EVER FORGET

2009-08-29T22:32:00.009-07:00

Isn't it annoying when people say they simply "forgot" to eat? It's like someone forgetting to breathe or allow their kidneys to function.

However, today, I did forgot to eat.

I think it was because I became serious attached to a large amount of bubble gum - when you get a wad to just the correct consistency to blow some serious bubbles.... well, what can I say? I didn't learn how to blow bubbles until an adult (simply was physically impossible until I had jaw surgery), so now I take the occupation very acutely and am making up for 31+ years of being bubble-disadvantaged.

Plus I ended up doing about twenty more errands than I had planned, to include getting lunch for two kids, arguing with a pharmacist technical for about twenty minutes, picking a book that would keep me occupied for a seven hour flight but not embarrass me by anyone else seeing the title (a Harlequin romance, or a paperback entitled "How To Divorce Your Husband Without Him Ever Noticing"), and trying to leave Target with spending most of my pocket money for this upcoming trip.

Suddenly it was 7 p.m., and I realized I hadn't eaten anything.

Well, besides a Dairy Queen ice cream.

But that didn't count.... right?

VACATION TIME

2009-08-25T22:08:00.009-07:00

Calories don't count when:
- You are eating at a serious social event such as a wedding, graduation or funeral, or
- The food/meal has been cooked by a child and you are responsible for the positive feedback necessary to keep them making meals, or
- You are on vacation.

Now small tropical islands are actually known for healthy foods.

I mean, watch one episode of "Lost" - is anyone (besides Hurley, I mean) overweight? They've got pineapple, and mangos, and bananas, and all that sort of wholesome crap - no junk food survived the crash.

So going to Oahu for three weeks will be great for my diet.... right?

IT AIN'T COCAINE ADDITION, RIGHT?

2009-08-21T00:20:00.005-07:00

I cannot live without chocolate.

I have tried, repeatedly, to swear it off. I have completely emptied the house of all traces of cocoa. I have gone literally MONTHS without chocolate.

It does no good. It is my nectar, my elixir.

Besides, I just eat more of other bad stuff.

Today: Yogurt, Dairy Queen, toast with peanut butter and more yogurt.

And did I ever mention I eat at least one carrot each and every single day? It is at least a gesture towards the five servings of fruits and veggies that we are supposed to consume every day - while I am feeding the horses theirs, I always munch on one.

And that should provide the counter-balance for the chocolate... right?

(Now, everyone in chorus, repeat after me... "YEEEESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!")

REWARD FOR GOOD DEEDS

2009-08-19T23:37:00.005-07:00

You know what is great about taking a friend to a doctor's appointment, which then turns into becoming the proverbial squeaky wheel for her case - tracking down an empty bed so she can be relieved of some of her pain - rounding up competent nurses and then a proficient physician - wheeling to and from x-rays - getting a good strong shot of crucial drugs and a prescription for enough pain killers to get her through the next two days until they figure out what is causing the excruciating pain - guilting a unoccupied solider and an unsuspecting husband into assisting you getting the justifiably stoned friend into and out of your vehicle and safely home ---- and THEN having to race to a church function and an additional hour long presidency meeting --- and last but not least coming home to unloaded groceries, unwashed dishes, unfed animals and unemptied garbage.....

You never have a chance to eat.

Today if nothing else has been a successful day for my diet.

SOMEBODY HELP ME OUT HERE

2009-08-17T16:16:00.010-07:00

I'm trying to stay off the scales, and judge my weight by how I feel, how my not-at-all-skinny jeans fit, and how often I suck in my gut to tighten my belt.

But I figure, hey, it's been a while, let's see what the scales say.

And they say THE EXACT SAME NUMBERS THEY DID LAST TIME.

So I am sitting here with a bowl of chocolate trying to convince myself that I should remain true and faithful to yogurt and carrots and drinking lots and lots of non-caloric sodas.

TUG OF WAR

2009-08-13T21:37:00.024-07:00

I lift weights - just not perhaps in traditional sense.

I have to lift my cat, Pandora, quite often - and he weighs 22 lbs. ... at least.

And I still weigh 202 lbs. regardless of my public humiliation blog, so when I stand up, I'm moving 202 lbs. (but what a depressing thought).

And today I played a major game of tug of war with a 1,000 lbs. horse. Well, actually, two horses, so I guess that lifting/pulling around 2,000 lbs., right?

The main problem is Najale. He knows he outweighs me, and while most of the time he is semi-well-behaved, when he sets his mind to it, he is fully aware that he can pull me right off my feet with just one sharp turn to the left.

Why it is always that he turns to the left? I don't know - maybe his lateral sulcus is longer than it should be. Or maybe it's simply because he normally walks on my left side, and to be the most disobedient, he has to turn that way.

Anyway, today became a major physical battle.

And that should at least excuse the peanut butter, right?

Otherwise -- 2 x yogurt -- 300
2 x Fiber One -- 120
Manwich -- 355
2 pieces of toast and peanut butter -- 130 + 376

TOTAL -- 1,281

AND AN OZ. OZ. HERE, AND A OZ. OZ. THERE....

2009-08-10T21:45:00.009-07:00

I got my hair cut today - that should be at least three pounds off, right? I mean, I've got really heavy and thick hair, and she cut off quite a bit, so....

And I sweated a lot.... well, actually I didn't because a big rain storm blew in and cooled everything off. So I guess I can't count that.

Hmm.. what about if I cut my toenails tonight?

Yogurt x 2 -- 300
Fiber One x -- 120
Dairy Queen -- 329
Manwich -- 355

TOTAL -- 1,104

Okay, should I try to get it around 900 and keep it below? Why isn't this weight MOVING?

CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN

2009-08-09T23:57:00.014-07:00

Do you ever have days when everything just smells GREAT?

Today I got to hold a baby during sacrament meeting (youngest of six kids - I try to help out the mom when I can), and he smelled just that sweet baby smell that little ones have... at least until they poop.

During Sunday School, the two women sitting back of me just gave out waves of... not perfume, just shampoo and soap and maybe Tide detergent.

I taught the last hour of church - and the 12 and 13 year old girls have a scent of bubble gum, girlie shampoos, and some sort of sweet lip gloss that they all share.

And then I spent a half hour in a crowded room of Latter-Day Saints all getting called and confirmed to various church responsibilities - and it just was the aroma of lots of business suits and white shirts and women with that same shampoo/soap/Tide fragrance.

Latter-Day Saints smell very clean.

So next time I want to smell chicken soup and seasoned french fries and fresh bread and so BE NOT HUNGRY ALL DAY.

Today -
2 x yogurt -- 300
2 x Fiber one -- 120
ONE piece of toast and peanut butter -- 130 + 376
1/2 Premium Select Moose Tracks Chocolate Mint ice cream -- 400

(but listen, you gotta appreciate the fact that my husband INSISTED on ME having 'his' ice cream - and I only are a HALF. Enormous self-control on my part - ENORMOUS, people)

TOTAL -- 1,326

(Okay, so maybe I could have done with the ice cream. Let's just hope my son fills his part of the bargain and eats the last half)

AN ICE CREAM DAY

2009-08-08T22:13:00.008-07:00

It just takes one thing to set me off on a trail.

Friday it was a Frosty at Wendy's.

Which was followed by Dairy Queen - and then my husband brought home that Premium Select Moose Tracks Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.

Plus he FORGOT TO PUT IT IN THE FREEZER.

I don't know about anyone else, but soupy ice cream 1) doesn't refreeze well, and 2) I absolutely ADORE.

I am atoning for it today.

So - Friday
Frosty -- 318
Dairy Queen - 329
the ENTIRE pint Premium Select Moose Tracks Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream -- 800

TOTAL -- 1,447

Hey, that's not that bad.

But today --
French Toast -- 298
Bacon -- 92
Popcorn (went and saw Harry Potter again) -- 200
Yogurt x 2 -- 300
Fiber One x 2 -- 120

TOTAL -- 1,010

Man, I should have just had another ice cream day.

FUNERAL POTATOES

2009-08-06T20:59:00.004-07:00

The new Dairy Queen diet - if you are within seven miles of DQ, you get a medium twist cone, and then skip the next meal.

Seems to be working.

Today -- 2 x Yogurt -- 300
2 x Fiber One -- 120
Dairy Queen medium twist cone -- 329
Popcorn -- 200

TOTAL 949

TUESDAY CHILD IS FULL OF GRACE

2009-08-05T00:42:00.003-07:00

Yogurt times about three -- 450
Fiber One (ditto) -- 180
Dairy Queen (YES!) -- 329
Stuffed Green Pepper -- 230
Popcorn -- 200

TOTAL -- 1,389

MONDAY MONDAY

2009-08-03T17:44:00.010-07:00

I think weeks need to be rearranged. I have no problem with Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, etc.

I just don't think our work week should begin on Monday. I propose that Sunday and Monday become the weekend, with the work week beginning on Tuesday.

Once again, as a Latter-Day Saint, Sundays are anything but a day of rest - we have a three-hour meeting block to begin with, additional choir rehearsals, presidency meetings, firesides, lessons to begin preparing to be taught the next Sunday.

So I want Mondays simply to recover from Sundays.

Today: 2 x yogurt -- 300
2 x Fiber one -- 120
ONE piece of toast and peanut butter (I'm eating it as I type) -- 130 + 376

TOTAL -- 926

Rats - it's too late to drive into Dairy Queen, isn't it?

FAST SUNDAY... HA!

2009-08-02T20:57:00.012-07:00

Latter-Day Saints have the first Sunday of every month scheduled as what we call "Fast Sunday." We are encouraged to abstain for food or drink for at least two meals, and donate as much as we can to our church's charity funds.

I was, at one time, very diligent about maintaining a 24 hour fast. Then it got down to 12 hours... maybe... on good months. After that, it became just food - I would get dizzy way too quickly if I got dehydrated at all.

Finally I would try to give up something... like chocolate... for at least my church meeting block... again, on a good month.

Today:
Yogurt x 2 -- 300
Fiber One x 2-- 120
Toast and Peanut Butter x 2 -- 260+376
Popcorn -- 200
TOTAL -- 1,256

STRESS BEING PLAYED AS AN APPETITE INHIBITOR

2009-07-31T21:52:00.007-07:00

I woke up yesterday morning fairly certain I would be devoting most of my morning into contacting the Department of Economic Security (don't you love what they call welfare assistance in the state of Arizona?).

I got a live person on the second attempt, and on the third attempt, actually talked to someone who could answer my questions about my daughter's not-being-fired-but-also-not-being-scheduled-any-work-hours situation.

I then spent an hour or so at the public library trying to not make too many corrections to Joy's cover letter(s) to go with job applications. Which meant literally biting my lips until they bleed and only making grammatical suggests (Joy actually spells much better than I do).

The next step was going to my local office supply store, where they did not have the model of printer which I trying to replace - after being told on Wednesday that the truck coming in Thursday would deliver it. The sales manager assured me that I could pay for and order one that would be delivered to the store next week - whereas I retorted a tad sharply that I could order it from amazon.com, get it cheaper, and have it delivered to my door.

But hey, I really didn't a chance to eat much of anything!

WITH AN EXTRA HELPING OF GREASE, PLEASE

2009-07-31T00:05:00.005-07:00

How much does an extra-large-jumbo bag of popcorn at the movie theatre count?

Without any grease.

Yogurt -- 160
Fiber One -- 120
Extra-large-jumbo popcorn -- 300 (?)
Manwich (no one wanted to cook tonight, so....) -- 215

TOTAL -- 795

(Man, I should stopped at Dairy Queen!)

DAIRY QUEEN RULES

2009-07-29T20:30:00.022-07:00

You can't complain about heat when you live in Arizona.

It's like grumbling about the cold when you settle in Alaska, whining about grapes after you move to the Napa Valley, carping about humidity if you live in Miami.

People in Washington and Oregon have a perfect right to bellyache about it hitting 100 degrees - it simply doesn't happen there, very few people or business have air conditioning or are prepared for dealing with something as simply as dehydration.

But when it hits 100 in Arizona - even in south south-eastern Arizona, at 5,000 feet, where it snows in the winter and we really don't get this hot more than a few days in June... forget trying to whine about it.

So my excuse... I'm sorry, my reason for visiting Dairy Queen twice today - heck, why even try to use the polite expression "visit" - I PATRONIZED Dairy Queen once to fortify myself to drive up to my husband's workplace and 'see' his new office (and suitably commiserate with someone who is being 'forced' to move into his actual work area from the windowless basement) - and second to drive the 24 miles into town only to discover the YW activity has three girls with three adult leaders - my conscious was clear asking to be excused.

So, today:
Yogurt & Fiber One -- 215
TWO Dairy Queen cones -- 658
Manwich -- 215
TOTAL -- 983

So maybe two visits to Dairy Queen isn't all that bad.

GOOD, BAD & UGLY

2009-07-28T21:14:00.003-07:00

I guess if losing weight was easy, everyone would be skinny, right?

Today: 2 x yogurt -- 300
2 x Fiber One --120
Toast with Peanut Butter (but just ONE - such restraint, Hope!) -- 253
Grilled Cheese Sandwich (dammit, girl!) --670

TOTAL -- 1,343 (double dammit!)

FROM A FEW DAYS AGO.... I THINK

2009-07-27T20:52:00.006-07:00

Well, the idea was good. And I was fully prepared to walk the horses this morning, double back, and then again this EVENING, double back.

One small problem.

Well, once again, I guess there were two small problems.

Repair guy for the satellite television (again), scheduled to come between 9 a.m. and noon.

So 9... 10....11....12...1...1:30...2:00!!!!

And it only took the dude about 30 seconds to set it right.

But by 2 p.m., any step that I take in the horses' direction is interpreted as only one thing - it's feeding time.

And rather than have to wrestle 1,800 lb. of hungry horse-flesh, I admit defeat.

For now.

EQUINE BOUNDRIES

2009-07-25T23:58:00.025-07:00

I have been walking my two horses a set distance now for a couple of weeks, and I obviously need to extend our little evening expedition by a bit.

There is only one problem.

Well, possibly two.

No, the first one is not Najale, my clinically-insane Paint.

Yes, he has jerked the lead rope out of my hand numerous times and taken off for the horizon.

But when he gets about 20 feet away he always stops, looks back at me with a "so, what, are you coming or what?" expression, and then allows me to walk right up to him and regain control (I think he's just very aware of the fact that since I feed him, by running away he might compromise his next meal).

No, my main problem is Sally, the mare.

Sally is a retired Thoroughbred who has also given birth to lots and lots of foals. Horses, like most mammels, come into season only a few times throughout the year so the babies will only been born in better seasons and not in the dead of winter.

Except for Sally.

I have owned her for almost seven years now, and I think she has been out of season maybe a couple of weeks for those complete seven years.

Which has made her an ideal brood mare, and a great baby-producer.

But it is like having (pardon the comparison) a teenage BOY always on the outlook for that one hot , hot chick.

No, that's stupid - a teenage boy always on the outlook for ANY hot chick.

Okay, reality here - a teenage boy always on the outlook for anything remotely SHAPED like a female.

Stop right here, Hope.

So when Sally, who is normally of a calm, obedient and tranquil nature, sees something that just MIGHT be the stallion she has been dreaming off (and this 'something' can be a cow, a yucca, sometimes even a large dog in the distance - her eyesight is pretty poor)...

Then Sally is immediately is transformed into a CRAZY hot equus caballus who is completely capable of thundering off for an illicit affair with a complete stranger.

And since...

1. One end of my road ends at a pasture with grazing cattle (which look amazingly like Sally's dream-stud), and

2. The other end of the road passes by a pasture owned by three horses (who, although they don't look as good as the cattle do, still get her pretty hot and heavy),

It is next to impossible to walk her past these lustful images without having another finger of mine broken, so I am committing to extending our walks in an unusual manner.

Doubling back and re walking the same path.

Let's see how the horses put up with this tomorrow.

Today: Yogurt x 2 -- 300
Fiber One x 2 -- 120
3 bites of my husband's chicken and rice (I think he added about 1/2 lb. of margarine - yuck) -- 200 (?)
Toast and Peanut Butter -- 130 + 376 ( I have to find something with less calories)
TOTAL -- 1,126

EATING TO STAY AWAKE

2009-07-22T23:15:00.012-07:00

I am aware that a lot of my late-night "I AM STARVING" eating is just to stay awake for one more episode of "Firefly" on DVD (which, since it's on a DVD, there is absolutely no logical reason to need to stay up late to watch).

But since my sleeping patterns have gotten so convoluted (isn't that just such a cool word, convoluted?), I realize some of my "windfall" eating in the middle of the day is because I am getting tired.

So I am attempting napping instead of snacking.

Since I normally can only sleep 5-6 hours a night, I almost always sleep an hour or two after feeding the horses in the morning, and around 2 p.m. take a nap.

So far, I have been laying down for about 30-45 minutes late morning and around 6:00 p.m.

And it's helping.

Yogurt x 2 -- 300
Fiber One x 2 -- 120
Toast with Peanut Butter -- 130 + 376
Manwich -- 215
Hamburger Bun -- 140
TOTAL -- 1,281

CRUEL AND UNUSUAL TREATMENT

2009-07-21T21:02:00.008-07:00

I have been sooooo good today. Really. No snacks, just ONE small smattering of chocolate chips (my logic is just a few keep me from eating a whole LOT), a lot of yogurt, extra walks (the greyhound has to have her own private walk first thing in the morning).

It was all going well and I was so proud of myself.

Until my son, who NEVER asks me to make anything for him, asked if he could have two grilled cheese sandwiches tonight.

I crumbled.

So...

Yogurt -- 300
Fiber One --120
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH --670
1/2 container generic local brand ice cream -- 200
(because I felt so guilty about the grilled cheese sandwich - which makes sense to any other woman ever on a diet)

TOTAL -- 1,290

FORBIDDEN PLEASURES

2009-07-20T22:58:00.007-07:00

Today was one of those 'oh yeah just a quick trip into town' that turned/evolved/developed into a MONSTER of a journey that involved HOURS of sweating, sitting in my truck, waiting for what was originally 'just to drop off the paperwork', alternating between should-I-keep-the-air-conditioning-running-and-waste-gas and OMG-it-is-at-least-100-degrees-and-I-am-going-to-die-IF-I-don't-get-something-to-drink-SOON.

And, just like you shouldn't go grocery shopping when you are hungry, you also should NOT walk through the frozen-food section when you are SWELTERING because then you can be seduced into purchasing ice cream for the first time in MONTHS.

I succumbed - I took it home - and it honestly did not even taste that good.

HOWEVER - I did NOT make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch - I did NOT make macaroni and cheese this evening - the only 'addition' I did was fresh strawberries added to my yogurt ('fresh' as in the very last little plastic basket of strawberries in the grocery store that my son bought me because he felt so guilty about not finding any Dannon-Fruit-On-The-Bottom for me).

Yogurts (probably 3) --
Fiber One --
Strawberries --

.... wait a minute, I don't have the calorie list on this computer! So let's guesstimate - 900?

LATIN EMOVERE -"MOVE OUT, REMOVE"

2009-07-17T17:26:00.016-07:00

e·mo·tion [i mṓsh'n] - n
1. heightened feeling: a strong feeling about somebody or something
2. agitation caused by strong feelings: agitation or disturbance caused by strong feelings

The feelings of distress, whether new or chronic, would reach a point where eating was a suitable and temporary relief from their pain; eating and its preparation provided the troubled person with a distraction, a reward, gratification, comfort or a sense of being loved (http://www.davedraper.com/article-190-obesity.html)

Eating disorder behaviors are very effective ways of altering emotions and emotional awareness. Thus, the eating disorder becomes more important or more valuable because it becomes a resource to help patients avoid or minimize their emotions. Many patients have commented to me that the one thing they like most about their eating disorders is their ability to alter their emotions through the behavior. (http://www.eatingdisordersblogs.com/your_role/2009/03/emotions-and-eating-disorders.html)

Yogurt - 150
Dairy Queen (again, with a gun pointed at my head) - 329
Grilled Cheese (I gotta stop this, don't I?) - 670
Manwich - 355

TOTAL - 1,504

FOILED AGAIN

2009-07-16T21:19:00.012-07:00

This evening, the weather was spooky enough that I figured it would be safer to take the dogs for the walk instead of the horses.

Let me explain.

When the horses and I go for a walk, as we did this morning before it got too hot, we have one goal and one goal only.

Grass.

Both horses are perfectly happy to walk along with me for almost any distance I want as long as we end the walk with at least ten minutes of them sinking their teeth into the slight growths of grass we have had after a pathetic beginning of our monsoon season.

Wait, I should clarify that as well.

Both horses are perfectly happy to DRAG ME ALONG WITH THEM for however long I can take it and then graze with me dragging THEM back home at the end.

This evening, with a thunderstorm teasing us with dark clouds and lightning strikes in Mexico, there couldn't be a guarantee that we could end up with grass in their chops.

So I took the dogs, figuring it would be much easier to turn around when and if necessary.

And it was.

I began walking down our driveway.... spotted a jogger coming down our dirt road, so turned left instead of right.

At the end of the road down right, spotted another person walking three dogs (three LARGE dogs) towards us - so turned around and went back.

Just got past the first road... begins to rain.

So listen, I tried to exercise, I did.

Today - Yogurt -- 150
Fiber One -- 60
Toast with Peanut Butter -- 130 + 376
One Frosty (care of my son - ain't he sweet?) -- 318
Yogurt -- 150

TOTAL -- 1184

ME OH MY

2009-07-15T21:26:00.002-07:00

I was forced, yes, FORCED to eat a Denny's BLT and french fries, a Dairy Queen vanilla cone, and Applebee's oriental chicken wrap.

Life doesn't get much better than this... unless you are attempting to lose weight, that is.

THOSE WE DO NOT SPEAK OF

2009-07-14T22:07:00.006-07:00

"Plump" used to be a compliment.

"Sunburnt" or "suntanned" was demeaning.

Showing your ankles was incredibly obscene.

Times have changed.

We pay good money to work off the excess weight we have gained from our sedentary lifestyles. We pay for tanning booths and bronzing lotions. And we show a whole lot more than just our ankles.

Today: Yogurt -- 150
Fiber One -- 60
Grilled Cheese Sandwich -- 670 (and if I'd known that, I wouldn't have made one!)
Bill's Hamburger Soup -- 350 (guessimate)
Popcorn -- 200

TOTAL -- 1,430

It may be easier to simply invent a time machine and go back to the 1830's when I would be plump, pale and modest.